The excellent news: None of the predictions I made in final yr’s annual Gustradamus column have come true. If somebody had performed so, it could have been an indication that the apocalypse was close to.
The dangerous information: the apocalypse is right here.
Donald Trump is about to turn into president and is licking his ketchup-stained lips on the prospect of punishing California for not surrendering to him like, say, Jeff Bezos did. Democrats are within the political wilderness now that Latinos seem to have overwhelmed them. The metropolis of Los Angeles is going through a $130 million price range deficit. The USC soccer crew performs in one thing known as the SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl, whereas the UCLA crew stays dwelling and possibly steps up and down the Young Research Library.
With a lot doom and gloom, I want I may predict good issues for 2025. But my Magic 8 Ball can solely look ahead to a lot of laughter, as a result of we should snigger within the face of the cruelty and nonsense coming from the White House lest we cry, ?
This is what I see taking place over the following 12 months:
*USC, as soon as once more determined for soccer glory, abandons the Big Ten Conference after only a yr for one thing somewhat extra manageable: the Trinity League at the highschool stage. They completed in final place after perennial prep powerhouse Mater Dei recruited all of their gamers, leaving the Trojans with a crew made up of the varsity’s marching band, outgoing president Carol Folt and journalism majors. The final group has by no means seen a soccer sport, not even Madden.
*In one in every of his final acts as president, Joe Biden declares the Graffiti Towers — the trio of long-abandoned downtown skyscrapers remodeled into Los Angeles’ largest tagging canvas — a nationwide monument. The City Council votes to cost an admission payment so folks can tag and base soar to their coronary heart’s content material. The ensuing crush of vacationers saves Los Angeles from fiscal insolvency.
Tags on {a partially} accomplished skyscraper in downtown Los Angeles, immediately throughout from the Crypto.com Arena at LA Live.
(Irfan Khan/Los Angeles Times)
*Speaking of City Hall, Los Angeles council member Monica Rodriguez is invited to look within the live-action model of “The Incredibles” as her animated doppelganger: talkative, vibrant, bespectacled, modern Edna Mode. The San Fernando Valley politician wins the Oscar for finest supporting actress just by taking part in herself.
*After Donald Trump’s share of the Latino vote elevated in each presidential election since 2016 – regardless of a barrage of insults that included boasting concerning the taco salad at Trump Tower – Donald Trump shocks the world by granting amnesty to all unlawful immigrants, together with a double amnesty for Venezuelans and Central Americans to allow them to vote twice. The transfer ensures that Latinos will turn into Republicans for the following era. It additionally results in Gavin Newsom and Nancy Pelosi personally constructing a 100-foot wall on the U.S.-Mexico border, brick by brick. Kamala Harris volunteers to face guard in Calexico with a large inflatable hammer as a result of she has nothing higher to do.
*LeBron James publicizes he’ll play till he’s 60 so he can turn into the primary NBA participant to lose alongside his grandson.
*Danny Trejo – who I advised in 2020 as US Senator from California – says he’ll run within the 2026 gubernatorial race. All different candidates instantly drop out, as a result of who desires to debate Machete? Trump instantly softens his anti-California stance, lest Trejo crush his short-fingered arms the primary time they meet.
*With no job, no political future however loads of time on their arms, former Los Angeles County Sheriff Alex Villanueva and former Los Angeles Councilmember Kevin de León begin a podcast. It lasts all of an episode after they each go out from all of the moaning.
Union leaders say Baldwin Park High School’s incoming senior class president is anti-union over a venture praising the town’s In-N-Out chain, whose employees have by no means fashioned a union however get pleasure from a number of the highest wages in quick meals eating places. They efficiently recall the coed after a $1.2 million marketing campaign.
*The Times presents its bias meter with mine column. The AI-powered doohickey self-immolates as quickly as I encounter my first use of Spanglish. Times proprietor Dr. Patrick Soon-Shiong stops the venture and focuses as a substitute on attempting to remedy one thing less complicated than trendy journalism: most cancers.
Pedestrians go blooming jacaranda timber in South Pasadena.
(David McNew/Getty Images)
*Someone finds a goal for jacaranda timber that’s really helpful to humanity.
*After a yr of preventing on-line and by way of diss tracks, rappers Drake and Kendrick Lamar announce they’ll settle their beef as soon as and for all with a wrestling match within the parking zone of Tam’s Burgers at Rosecrans and Central Avenue in Compton. Since Lamar has dwelling courtroom benefit, he offers Drake the primary kick, punch, physique slam, suplex, piledriver, Stone Cold stunner and wedgie. Lamar nonetheless wins simply. Drake returns to Canada and brings Justin Bieber with him.
* Elon Musk – who’s suing the California Coastal Commission for not permitting him to launch extra SpaceX missions from Vandenberg Space Base – decides to maneuver his operations to Mount Whitney. Newsom, a longtime good friend and benefactor of the tech bros, tells Musk that is wonderful, so long as all these rockets do not hurt the atmosphere. Musk responds by coaching the bears up there to drive his Cybertrucks so he can begin a brand new Uber rival. Newsom praises Musk’s transfer as environmentally pleasant. The mega-billionaire then turns Mount Whitney into his lair, calling it Mount Mar-a-Lago.
*I’m taking an extended, stress-free trip – who am I kidding! Consider it a miracle if I take a two-hour break, and it definitely will not be at In-N-Out, which will continue to be overvalued.
